I'm still around... even a little less of me (YEAH!!)

OK - it's been dark here on the blog for the past week.

I was on vacation....

YAHOOO!!!!!

We actually had plans to do some things, but life threw some other things our way & none of the to-do-list got any check marks... except one - I did get to clean my closet. 

oh well.  I still didn't have to go into work.  Still a win win.

But while on vacation, we also got to celebrate our 20 year anniversary.

Proof that I CAN get a little waist
... I'll get there again...

2 decades.  That blows my mind.

It has gone so fast...

On the fitness front, I decided to just take the week off from working out.  My knee is in such extreme pain discomfort that I thought it would be good for it anyways & heck, its vacation.  Who wants to worry about working out on vacation?

OK... all you people that find gyms when you travel on vacation? I applaud you. I've learned that is not me. I dont even want to work out in my own home where its convenient when I'm on vacation.

Blame the knee.

Always blame the knee in my case.

& on the nutrition front, I knew I didn't want to miss any opportunity to enjoy life.  Like, on our anniversary, yes, I did have some carrot cake. Not much - I kept the reigns in my hand - but I did enjoy life a little more then I usually do.

It was as good as it looked.... amazing!

& then at the end of the week, I thought, let's see the damage.  Let me weigh in.

I expected to see a little bit of a gain on the scale with no working out - with the nutrition not being spot on...

& then got on the scale to see that I reached the 30 lb mark

WHAT?!?!?!?!?

YES YES YES YES YES YES

Talk about a feeling of happiness!

I don't think there is anything better then expecting the number on the scale to go up & seeing it drop - 2.5 lbs at that for the week!

I will say, while I did eat a little more then I probably usually do, I did stay very aware of what I was eating - I did stay below my calories for the day.  Yes, even on the days I had the carrot cake...

& apparently, it still worked out - even with the exercise being on hold.

That's so encouraging to me...

gives me an extra boost to really watch my food more then anything.

But I have to say, I was pretty dang happy to put on my workout clothes yesterday & get back to it.

& yes, my knee still wasn't happy about working out, but I'm taking it slow - knowing that any extra strength training is only going to help my knee... & keep that number going down even more.

25 lbs DOWN!!!!!

Y'all - I can't even believe it!

I went to weigh in this week & didn't expect but a pound or a pound & a half... & gasped when I saw that I had jumped a few pounds down!

& it officially puts me at 25 lbs down.

I even got off & got back on the scale... 3 times... because I didn't believe it.

I think that's like the equivalent of taking 20 pregnancy tests because you don't believe all the other ones you've peed on.

Luckily, I didn't have to pee on the scale... though I almost did with excitement!

So my journey continues....25 lbs down - 35-40 still to go!  I can do it!

Now onto life for the my Tuesday.

I went out at lunch yesterday to go to Kroger.  They have an awesome salad bar & I was excited about getting a good salad & going to the park to enjoy it on a beautiful day.... except I got to Kroger & the lights were off the salad bar & every container empty.  They didn't open it for the day.

DANGGGGGGG IT!

So I ended up just grabbing a quick snack thing they had & huffed & puffed the whole time

.... it really was more filling then I thought it would be...

I got home & want to switch up the running with a lot of cross training - I'm learning how much this helps my body tone up... so I went back to my T25 Speed 1.0 for the night.

let me tell you - I am not usually that much of a sweater....

I was DRIPPING sweat.



apparently my hair was out of control from this workout too

I forgot how much Shaun T makes me feel like I am the biggest wimp in the world...

Though this time, I did pretty dang awesome on the burpee part.

Burpees - I will win!  Mark my words!

I was ready for a shower immediately after this.... I couldn't even begin to think about making dinner.  The hubs said he could wait a little longer for dinner so it worked out well.

I ended up making some new veggie burgers my grocery's natural food section has - OH MY GOSH - I don't even know the name of them but they are amazing.  There are only 2 in the package for like $4.00 - they are made from mainly sweet potatoes & everything else natural. THEY ARE SPECTACULAR.  I'll find out the name of them...

But it was just the best dinner to fill up after sweating off my butt...

A really good Tuesday!

What was the best thing that happened to you yesterday?

I'm awesome!

Remember when I did that post a few weeks back about Katie Hopkins & her documentary, where she's basically just a awful person to over weight people & those who struggle with the battle of the scale?

Did you see she was in the news last week?

Against Kelly Clarkson...

That little #(@*)$*#) ... I had so many names I was screaming at the TV when I heard the story.

Miss Miserable made comments about America's Sweetheart & saying something about Kelly Clarkson eating her backup singers & then saying something about glad she had a wide screen TV to watch her.

Really?

Kelly just had a baby not too long ago, not to mention she's been very open about her struggle with the up & down scale.  Girlfriend - I feel you.

But Katie Hopkins even scoffed that & said it wasn't baby weight.  It's Carrot cake weight.

Just shut up hag.

The reason I even bring this up?  Because of Kelly Clarkson's reaction

"She tweeted something nasty about me?" ... & after she found out what the old hag said, the reaction.... "That's because she doesn't know me.  I'm awesome!"

YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She went on to say, "I just never cared what people think. It's more if I'm happy & I'm confident & feeling good, that's always been my thing..... I don't seek out any other acceptance"

I have loved this girl since Season 1 of American Idol. 

Who remembers Brian Dunkleman? 

Anyways... Kelly has just made me smile.

In a world where I think most of us DO care about what others say about us & the appearance we put out there that gets judged so easily, I love this sort of attitude is possible.  & needs to be reinforced often.

What a beautiful role model for her daughter....

We all need to remind ourselves that we are awesome ...

we all are amazing at certain things in this world...
we are all beautiful in our own ways...
we all have talents that can help others...

Yep... YOU ARE AWESOME!!!

Joining with my buddy at The Blonder Side of Life

click the button & join along

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This is sad to admit...

Tis the season...

I think I have said that 100 ZILLION times in the past few weeks.

Used in different ways.

"The lights are so beautiful"... tis the season.  Good way
"I am broke as a twig under an elephant's foot"... tis the season.  Bad way.

We've also been in gear for Christmas parties & get togethers.  Tis the season. 

... & I'm not sure if using that term in that way is a good or bad.

It's always good because I love seeing people & spending time with some I don't see any other time of the year...

... but its bad as well..

& this is where its just sad to admit.

Nothing bad due to seeing others.  Again, I'm a people person. I love chatting it up with others.

It's bad because of the way I feel.

I am embarrassed.

Of myself.

That is VERY sad to admit.

We have the hubs work Christmas party this weekend.  I don't even want to go.  Why?  Because I have nothing that fits.  Nothing pretty.  Nothing that is festive & cute.  Everything I have is snug or ranks in the area of comfy jeans or yoga pants.  Not quite Christmas party material.

Ricky says he doesn't care what I wear... but I do...

These are people that he works with. I want to make a good impression for him.  I have a fear people would be whispering behind his back, "Did you see his wife?" with a snicker or laugh.

I guess I just have a fear of being that embarrassingly fat wife... & that's what I feel like right now.

I see all of these posts & pictures of people going to parties looking so beautiful & stylish ... & I just envision myself in work pants, flats (because God knows I'm not walking in heels in snow & ice) & an ugly Christmas sweater. I might as well put on a Grinch costume... I'd look sexier in it...

Think this could work?

I'm going to see some people that I haven't seen in a few years coming up, & I have the same fear... they're going to see the weight gain... & again, I'm embarrassed.

I'm just being real...

It irks me that I feel this way. 

I am a talker.  I am told over & over that I make others feel comfortable because of my personality.  I don't know why the idea of what I am wearing or how I look should affect that... but it does... at least in my mind.

So will I end up going to his Christmas party this weekend?.. it's just to be determined...

& don't even ask me what I'm wearing...

Numbers....A goal

Numbers...

I work with them all day long doing accounting.

I look at them through my camera figuring out aperture & shutter speeds.

I add & subtract from my check book & balance them to a statement every month.

I count them off every year as I gain another number onto my age.

& I see the number on a scale that doesn't seem to budge.

Numbers are useful... but numbers can be stupid.

They can make me in a better mood & encourage me... they can also put me in the worst mood you would ever want someone to be in.

But numbers are needed to be kept in check.

If a number gets off in accounting, I have to see where the problem is.
If a number is off in photography, it can ruin a whole picture.
If a number is off in my check book, I could have people calling about funds I owe.
If a number is off on my age, its only because I'm lying...

& that number on the scale... it's never off...

I mean, it's off to what I want it to be... but it tells the truth.

& the truth is ugly sometimes.

I took off weighing in last week due to all the sadness & grief & not giving a rat's patooty about what I ate... but this week, I got on the scale... & it was what I expected.

I gained 1.5 lbs from 2 weeks before.

Not as bad as I thought... but a gain nonetheless.

A gain that keeps coming.

Those numbers again. 

Since the age goes up, the scale goes up.  It's a dirty game life has sometimes.

But looking at that number today, I realized that I found my number I want to set as a goal.  What I want to get to. 

I won't get into details because I'm not that girl who proudly & boldly says what they weight & doesn't let it bother them.

I'm the one who hides the scale from my husband & is embarrassed for him to find out what my weight is.

But I can say, I want to loose 40 lbs.... bam!  There's my new number.

I will do a weekly weigh in... keep myself accountable some way here.  Attest to why it went up or why it went down...(please Lord)....

This may bite me in my butt.

If I gain next week. that means my goal may go up to 41, 42, 43 lbs... oh geez...

So hopefully, I just have 40....

I'm not even setting a certain time - like the end of the year - though that would be nice...

I just want 40 lbs gone...

to start... we'll change that number once I get there...

goals are good to have.

Why I'm breaking the scale habit... at least for the next 6 weeks

Here I am... going into week 5 in the T25

Shaun T... my new best friend. 

I still say, I have never sweat so much in my LIFE for a 25 minute workout. 

Last night, I actually went with my husband & we got in a quick mile, just so I could have my legs (& stupid low back) remember what moving in that motion felt like.  I came home & did Day 26 of my T25 & I literally was dripping sweat.

I'm not a sweat-er... not like that.  (Is it sweater? I just think of the garment to wear)

I may glow & glisten ... my skin gets dewy... but I never have actual sweat falling off of my face on the mat. 

With T25, it happens. 

I feel like such a tough chic when it does that...

But I've been feeling a difference lately.  My legs seem to be feeling more toned, my burpees are progressing stronger, I am even able to get more push ups in that are solid & strong then ever before. 

Oh believe me - there's lots of flab there I need to tone, lots of issues I need to work out - but I am feeling a little progress.

So then Monday comes.  I thought, let me step on the scale & I was prepared for a drop in the number. 

Let me remind you - I've been at the same stupid weight for about 4 months now. Not even joking.  A half marathon in there, training for that race, never more then 3 days not working out - & that was once when I was sick... its usually missing 1 day a week of working out... & yet, the same stupid BIG FAT NUMBER on the scale... refusing to move.

I just knew it was going to drop... even if it was half pound, I would have taken it.

I stepped on the scale....

The EXACT SAME FREAKING NUMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was funny because when I got on the scale, I had on my sports bra, some boy shorts & I looked in the mirror & was like, "Yep... I see progress.  Its happening"

I got off of the scale & looked back in the mirror & I saw something completely different...

I felt flabby, fat, lazy... ready to just give up...

As I went & ate a cream filled donut - NOOOO!!! I really didn't.... just seeing if anyone is paying attention... but as I went through the morning, it ended up making me angry.

That scale totally distorted my thinking, the way I was feeling. 
I started off feeling confident, stronger then before...

The scale made me feel like a failure, like nothing really matters... that I'm going to be a pile of blubber forever...

that's right when I decided... no more...

I'm putting the scale up...

at least till the end of my T25, which is in 6 weeks.

At the end, you're supposed to measure yourself & that's the numbers I'm looking forward to.  But I'll also weight then & see if it makes a difference.

I'm through letting some stupid number define me & the way I see myself...

Good bye scale.  I won't miss you...

& if in 6 weeks that number is still the same?  Someone just needs to say a prayer for that scale because my Mr. Sledgehammer will have a close & personal relationship with Mr. Scale.

Do you weigh yourself often?

 

Does the scale change your mood?

Fat & Fit?

The hubs & I were sitting at the counter eating dinner last night.

A beautiful spinach/feta cheese pizza with mushrooms, olives & jalapenos... mmm... I was just remembering it.  It was delish.

We are an ABC Nightly News kinda family.  Props for Diane Sawyer who is from this area.  Us Louisville gals need to stick together.

But they had a report on last night & the title said, "Fat & Fit?"

They were talking to a doctor who was putting out a study that people who are over the BMI & are considered "overweight" still can be really healthy.

They were interviewing a man who had had a heart attack & was trying to lose weight, but he had been exercising & taking care of himself & all the tests still showed he was over weight... but he had gone through all sorts of tests & his heart is now stronger, his lung function is better, his muscle mass is better...

But that stupid BMI chart.

They talked about how if you look at professional NFL football players, some of them are considered "Obese" on the BMI chart because of their large masses of muscle.  Take the weight & look at your height on the chart & it doesn't add up for everyone.

They were saying that's not an excuse to eat all you want & think you're a perfectly fit person... duh... really?  Did someone think that's possible...(probably)....

In the end, they said, "So you can be considered fat, but you can still be fit"
... & that's when my husband looked over at me & said, "That's you!"

... thanks honey... thanks...

 



We laughed, because I do know what he means.

I am considered UP THERE on the BMI chart.... but I still work out 6 days a week.  I get my heart rate up.  I still run.  I still lift weights.  I still work at it. 

 

& granted, I'm sure the weight I have on me makes me slower (yes, it does) & it makes me winded faster (yes, it does) but I think I can still hang in there with some of the thinner people.

The one positive thing, they said heavier people have more 'reserve weight' on them in case of life threatening illness.  A cushion or a padding, literally, if you will... when you loose weight from an illness, you have some to loose that it won't hurt you...

Look at that - reserve fat can be handy....

So I may be larger, but I think I'm still pretty fit...
Yeah - I think I could be a lot fitter & in a lot better shape... & goodness know I want to be like 3 sizes smaller then I am right now...but at least I'm still trying & not giving up, & maybe everything I'm doing isn't for nothing, even when I can't see it on the scale...

Yep... I'm fit... minus my bicep tendonitis, my knee pain & my back pain... that doesn't count ;)

Laziest weekend ever....

This weekend got rained out for my regular photo schedule... & it was the first weekend that I didn't leave the house on Saturday in MONTHS...

What did I do? 

Did I run on the treadmill?
Venture for a run in the rain?
Grab a video & do some cardio?
Grab my weights & pump up with strength?
Jump on the Spinner & get some miles in for Breast Cancer Virtual 50K?

No... my butt stayed on the couch all weekend long.

& I felt horrible doing it.

I could literally feel my body just choking on itself.

As of this morning, I am officially the heaviest I have been in 22 years.  That is not fun to say & embarrassing... & humbling.

Its really not like what I did this weekend, I do every weekend.  I can't even begin to tell you the last time I laid on the couch & 'vegged'.

I do work out.  4-5 days a week.
I try
I struggle

But I can feel my body with this weight, & I don't like it. 

I realize that my age is fighting against me. 40 is winning right now.... but come backs happen every day...

I need to be more aware of my food choices.
I need to force myself to work out harder, differently if need be.
I need to make changes.
I need to check with the doctor if things don't change.  (Bio-identical Hormone Therapy?... anyone?)

I laid on the couch & I could feel myself struggling for breath.  What is up with that?  The girl that was 25 lb lighter this time last year.

25 lbs ...

there's that embarrassing thing again...

But I'm ready for a change.