{Dear Diary} Sitting

Dear Diary,

Today I'm talking to you about something most people really enjoy. 

I enjoy it myself at times. 

But lately, its just grating on my nerves.  Literally, my nerves.. in my back...

Sitting.  I'm talking about sitting.

It's funny because my poor husband walks about 15-18 miles A DAY at his job... I sit for 9 hours at mine.  I have to WORK to get over 1,500 steps in at work.  That's taking time to get up from my desk every hour & just walk around the room for a minute or two.

Its sad I have to make an effort to move.  It's even sadder that people look at your like you have 5 heads if you just get up to walk, just because. 

Its like these desks are little prisons & if you get up to walk, its basically the same as scaling the wall & escaping.

The cutest prison break ever

It feels like prison sometimes too.  Or at least some sort of torture device.  I can feel the pressure of sitting on my back.  My body gets stiff from aching.  When I get up to move, I feel like I do when I lay in bed for 8 hours sleeping ... sorry diary, I laughed a bit thinking that I said 8 hours of sleep.  We both know its more like 5 or 6, but a girl can dream.

A body shouldn't be STIFF from not moving. 

I know a time will come when I'm older & my body just naturally gets stiffer, tighter.  I don't like that I feel that I'm basically 103 right now... all because of my work.

Granted.  I know I'm lucky that I don't have to stand on my feet all day like some people do. Or have to walk all day like my husband, who comes home exhausted & suffers from leg cramps from moving constantly.

So I guess Diary, I need to know what the happy medium is.  What job is there that I can sit, but move.... walk, but rest when I need to.

I think it's becoming a Disney princess.

Where you can also DANCE with Tony Dovolani?
yep... that's what I wanna do!

Where you can sway to music with a Prince.... where you can squat to talk to little kids... where you can prop a stool under those massive dresses & no one will ever know you're taking a break...

Yep... problem solved.

Thanks Diary.

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{Dear Diary} Jeans

Dear Diary,

Today I want to talk to you about jeans. 

Who doesn't love jeans?  Everyone wears them... even little babies look adorable in jeans.

Jeans hold a memory for me though.

Back in the 80's when I was high school, they didn't make cute jeans for plus size gals.  Not unless you wanted them to look like something your grandmother or crazy aunt wore.  (I can use crazy aunt because I now am that aunt... AND that grandmother)

Nope... as a teenager, it was awful finding jeans.  That's when pegged jeans were in.  Ahh... the 80's.  Aqua net.  Blue eye shadow.  Acid wash.  Pegged jeans.

I found one pair of jeans that fit me in the waist, but the bottom looked awful. Nothing any 'cool' person would wear.  So my mom took me to a seamstress & had the bottom taken in.

I looked like a real teenager.

But I guarded those jeans with my life. It was all I had.  I had to figure out how to wear them to their best potential.  Spread them out throughout the week.  No one wants to see a girl wear the same jeans every day of the week. 

Thank goodness I liked skirts... & skirts could be a teenage thing.

But wear one pair of jeans over & over & they wear thin.

I'll never forget I was a Senior & almost at the end of the year & my jeans got a hole in the knees.  I went to a school where you could wear nothing with holes in them.  I was sent to the office to do something about it.  Luckily, the counselor told me to just tape a bandana I had in my hair around it & not to wear them again....

... not to wear them again...

no jeans...

I will say, these babies were like manna from heaven.  They lasted through the whole 4 years of high school.  School days - weekends - hanging out with friends.  They had to have magic in those seams to stay together as much as I wore them.

But I had to finish the year without cool jeans.

without any jeans at all.

To this day, I still have issues with jeans.  I only have 5 pairs to my name.  I only usually wear 2.

one that fits more tight... for when you feel good about yourself.

The other?  My fat jeans.  The ones you put on to be comfy in. The ones that are loose  & you can put on when PMS hits & you feel bloated & don't want anything tight around your stomach.

Lately, those jeans have been feeling like my tight ones.

The tight ones?  Even TIGHTER... #laydowntozip #cantbreath

I don't want to have to go get new jeans... I feel like if I do, I'll have to look back into the jeans that I dreaded wearing in high school... the ones that aren't cool... the ones that take me back to high school. 

I refuse to buy anything other then cool jeans again.

Sincerely,
The girl who just wants to wear yoga pants from now on


PS.  If you ever see me wearing pajama jeans... just shoot me.

Starting again... about 2 miles BEHIND the start line....

I did it...

I worked out last night.

I haven't really worked out good since October... when I was on vacation, then got a cold, then got my mystery side pain & the holidays & blah blah blah...

I can feel the difference from not working out & watching my food in the past 2 months.

I mean, I FEEL it...

my body just feels off, it feels heavy, I don't feel good.

With this side pain, its been even more aggravating because I literally am in pain 24/7 now.  But I thought, screw it, I have to start somewhere.... so last night, after getting home from an x-ray of my side, I put on sweat pants, my Nike watch & head to the treadmill.

I didn't care to run - just like my resolution - to just move...

Oh my gosh... I didn't realize how much out of shape I am, or feel.

I walked 1.81 miles in 35 minutes.  I felt like a elephant trudging along.

& the worst part.... within the first 15 minutes, my low back starting twanging. My knee started aching. My side pain that is always there welcomed all the aches & pains & said, more people to party with...

& then, I got off the treadmill & just felt even more 'off'... I was dizzy.  I felt strange.

I took my blood pressure about 30 minutes after getting off the treadmill & it was high & slightly odd... the first one was 150/95... the next time I took it about 15 minutes later, it was like 110/89 - which I always heard you don't want those numbers to be so close together.  Then I started mildly freaking out.. what is going on?  My blood pressure is normally like 101/58... LOW... my heart rate was staying in the 90's too.

I don't know if it was because my body was in pain... I don't know if it was because I had a stressful Monday... I don't know if it was because I had to go for my x-ray & am freaking the freak out slightly stressed about what this pain is...

Needless to say, I sat down & watched The Bachelor & knitted some more & just tried to make myself relax...

But I just sat there feeling awful.  Feeling useless.  Feeling like I am not only back at the start line... but I am a few miles BEHIND it... I've never felt this out of shape.  I've never felt this wrong or off.

This morning, I took my blood pressure & it was better. 110/70 ... my back pain didn't linger.  My knee is just its normal ache.  My side pain, still there...

So I'm going to work out again tonight.  Something slow.  I won't push it. I know I have a journey to go down... again... but I've done it before - I'll do it once more.

Dear Journal: Time to get things in check & get real

So yeah, some of you here may not know, I've been blogging for years... years...

Yes, this blog is fairly new.  But if you see the links above under the pictures, you'll see other things you can click & go to - one being my other blog that I've blogged at since 2007.  Told you - years...

I started this blog right here because I wanted a place where I can focus more on my running, health issues, body issues ... all the things I've struggled with my whole life.  & yes, I'll post some of these things on my other blog, but that has been a place where I blog about life in general - not just one focused area.  And believe me, I can talk each & every day solely about fitness/health/running things - which is why I created this blog.

 

I'm finding myself starting to do regular 'blog' things over here as well.  Trying to be entertaining, trying to build up some numbers, trying to focus on things other then just what I needed this blog to be
... a place for me to be me... in this struggle I always deal with.

The cool thing, I've already met some amazing blog buddies here who are focused on their health, their running, their struggles, their injuries.  That's who I wanted to find through this blog...

But last night, I sat in my room frustrated at my body, once again, & the way it feels & the issues I have with my weight... & I wanted to vent out... & that's when I remembered why I created this blog.

Why am I saying all this?  Because some days, this place may not be 'entertaining' - but you'll find a real person, with real struggles, looking for a place to let it all go & looking for some voices of encouragement.

I hope you'll stick with me in that...

I think I'll title these sort of 'vent' posts & things I need to get off my chest as "Dear Journal:  (Whatever is happening)" ... like today's title post... then you know it's all about to go down.  Real feelings - real emotions.  Take warning!

& my hope is that maybe someone else who is struggling is looking for something other then entertainment, but someone with similar issues & then we can help each along....

I know I'm not alone in the things I'm going through - have been going through - will always go through...

& believe me, I'll still have 'entertaining' days ... maybe not TRYING to be entertaining, but my life in general can be entertaining :) ... at least I think so... so yeah, I'll still do my Ups & Down & my confessions  - those are still initially health focused to me... with a dash of life thrown in :)

anyways - feel free to just stay here & cheer me on, give some encouragement... feel free to visit my other blog where you'll see more sides of me...

I'm always PRESSING ON!!!!