Day 15 of 21 Day Fix ... its not pretty today... but I do have a good recipe

I can't believe I am on the tail end of my first 21 days...

& today was my weigh day...

& as expected...

****BANGING HEAD AGAINST THE WALL*****

Nothing... not one freaking pound.  I'd take a half lb.  SOMETHING!

Nope. I didn't loose one freaking pound this week.

I have not cheated.  I have stuck to the plan.  & yet, NOTHING.

How sad of a sight is it to have a 43 yr old woman standing on a scale crying?  Because that was the scene this morning.

Yes I am Emma Stone.. shut up

I'm trying not to loose it completely because I saw on Instagram last night someone finish up & she said on the scale, she only lost like 2 lbs but she ended up loosing mega inches... & I'm waiting to measure at the end.

Now, if I do that & its not changed... I'm just giving up. 

I'm closing down the blog, I'm going into a cave, I'm never coming out again....

Lord, help me.

On a much brighter note - I did make a new 21 day approved meal & it was delish.

A fried rice type of thing.

2 cups brown rice, 4 eggs scrambled, 2 peppers, 1 onion - sautéed up in olive oil... all thrown together - it was delicious.  & I loved there was enough left to bring some for lunch today. 

Lunch has been my big issue.  Today, I'm looking forward to it.

Monday also held the Total Body Cardio Fix....

While it still kills me, I am still pushing myself - trying to do more of the advanced moves... walking away with jelly legs & feeling like I'm near death.  That's normal - right?

Tonight - Upper Body...

No one can say I'm giving up... I'll keep Pressing On till the end

Starting again... about 2 miles BEHIND the start line....

I did it...

I worked out last night.

I haven't really worked out good since October... when I was on vacation, then got a cold, then got my mystery side pain & the holidays & blah blah blah...

I can feel the difference from not working out & watching my food in the past 2 months.

I mean, I FEEL it...

my body just feels off, it feels heavy, I don't feel good.

With this side pain, its been even more aggravating because I literally am in pain 24/7 now.  But I thought, screw it, I have to start somewhere.... so last night, after getting home from an x-ray of my side, I put on sweat pants, my Nike watch & head to the treadmill.

I didn't care to run - just like my resolution - to just move...

Oh my gosh... I didn't realize how much out of shape I am, or feel.

I walked 1.81 miles in 35 minutes.  I felt like a elephant trudging along.

& the worst part.... within the first 15 minutes, my low back starting twanging. My knee started aching. My side pain that is always there welcomed all the aches & pains & said, more people to party with...

& then, I got off the treadmill & just felt even more 'off'... I was dizzy.  I felt strange.

I took my blood pressure about 30 minutes after getting off the treadmill & it was high & slightly odd... the first one was 150/95... the next time I took it about 15 minutes later, it was like 110/89 - which I always heard you don't want those numbers to be so close together.  Then I started mildly freaking out.. what is going on?  My blood pressure is normally like 101/58... LOW... my heart rate was staying in the 90's too.

I don't know if it was because my body was in pain... I don't know if it was because I had a stressful Monday... I don't know if it was because I had to go for my x-ray & am freaking the freak out slightly stressed about what this pain is...

Needless to say, I sat down & watched The Bachelor & knitted some more & just tried to make myself relax...

But I just sat there feeling awful.  Feeling useless.  Feeling like I am not only back at the start line... but I am a few miles BEHIND it... I've never felt this out of shape.  I've never felt this wrong or off.

This morning, I took my blood pressure & it was better. 110/70 ... my back pain didn't linger.  My knee is just its normal ache.  My side pain, still there...

So I'm going to work out again tonight.  Something slow.  I won't push it. I know I have a journey to go down... again... but I've done it before - I'll do it once more.

This is sad to admit...

Tis the season...

I think I have said that 100 ZILLION times in the past few weeks.

Used in different ways.

"The lights are so beautiful"... tis the season.  Good way
"I am broke as a twig under an elephant's foot"... tis the season.  Bad way.

We've also been in gear for Christmas parties & get togethers.  Tis the season. 

... & I'm not sure if using that term in that way is a good or bad.

It's always good because I love seeing people & spending time with some I don't see any other time of the year...

... but its bad as well..

& this is where its just sad to admit.

Nothing bad due to seeing others.  Again, I'm a people person. I love chatting it up with others.

It's bad because of the way I feel.

I am embarrassed.

Of myself.

That is VERY sad to admit.

We have the hubs work Christmas party this weekend.  I don't even want to go.  Why?  Because I have nothing that fits.  Nothing pretty.  Nothing that is festive & cute.  Everything I have is snug or ranks in the area of comfy jeans or yoga pants.  Not quite Christmas party material.

Ricky says he doesn't care what I wear... but I do...

These are people that he works with. I want to make a good impression for him.  I have a fear people would be whispering behind his back, "Did you see his wife?" with a snicker or laugh.

I guess I just have a fear of being that embarrassingly fat wife... & that's what I feel like right now.

I see all of these posts & pictures of people going to parties looking so beautiful & stylish ... & I just envision myself in work pants, flats (because God knows I'm not walking in heels in snow & ice) & an ugly Christmas sweater. I might as well put on a Grinch costume... I'd look sexier in it...

Think this could work?

I'm going to see some people that I haven't seen in a few years coming up, & I have the same fear... they're going to see the weight gain... & again, I'm embarrassed.

I'm just being real...

It irks me that I feel this way. 

I am a talker.  I am told over & over that I make others feel comfortable because of my personality.  I don't know why the idea of what I am wearing or how I look should affect that... but it does... at least in my mind.

So will I end up going to his Christmas party this weekend?.. it's just to be determined...

& don't even ask me what I'm wearing...

Fall is breaking my heart....

Fall is my favorite season.

Always has been.

I'm a sucker for the color, which my grandmother always used to say Fall is when God would use the world as His coloring book... & I love the crisp cool mornings & evenings... love the smells of fall... I'm a Fall girl...

But with Fall comes the want to run... so badly...

I'm trying to stick with my P90X & get stronger. 
Trying to give my knee a break.
Trying to give my back a break.

But yesterday, I got home & the weather was so nice & beautiful & fall-like & I was like, 'do I really want to go in the basement & do an hour of P90X & miss all this beauty?'

... the answer was yes... that's exactly what I did...

But I did it with a grumpy face & a few stomps down the stairs.

After I was done, I did go outside & play Frisbee with Harvey Dent & even knitted a little on the back porch sitting next to Sydney...

I guess I'll take Fall however I can...

But Fall races are everywhere now & I'm really starting to be a Debbie Downer with a sad face.  I want to be in them.  Especially the Half Marathon I wanted to do.

So I'm trying to get an attitude fix here.  Gotta be better then Momma June here.... Trying to be appreciative that I can still do the P90X... praying my knee & back get good for Spring races... & I'm going to check into volunteering at that Half Marathon.  I know a few peeps who are running it so it would make me happy to cheer them on...

Sometimes working out the attitude is tougher then working out the body....

 

 

I'll still enjoy Fall ... even if my running wont...

 

Do you love Fall for running?

 

Do you have any races coming up?

.... & yet, another failure...

I started PiYo last week...

I knew it would be a challenge when I had to do 732 downward dogs...

& then on Saturday, my disk messed up.  Wouldn't work in anything.

So Saturday - I talked about this in my vlog - I did the Nike Kinect - which I REALLY REALLY like. It get my heart pumping - it tones me up in strength training.

Sunday, tried the PiYo disc again... nothing... nada...

Monday... same...

Really?

So Tuesday, I contact Beachbody & they were super awesome.  Said they would send me out another set, no cost to me... how nice is that?

But Wednesday, it called for a workout that was on another disc.  That one worked. SUCCESS - finally.  Now, I'd still been working with the Nike Kinect & I thought, OK, let's see if I can jump back into PiYo...

... when within 5 minutes, they were having you do these weird side planks. 
I can do them on my left arm.  Having to hold ALL my body weight, on the side, on my bad shoulder.  Nope,  Can't do it.  & definitely can't do these bends & rolls & contortion moves on one broken arm....

I just screamed "SCREW IT" & popped it out & went back to a sweat fest on my Nike Kinect...

so now, I'm wondering if I'm even going to go back to PiYo...

I feel bad about it. I mean, its not cheap to buy, but I just don't know if this is what my body is calling for right now.

Yes, I can adapt - I have been so far when the disks were working.
Maybe I'll give tonight another try...

though I'm looking forward to my Nike Kinect workouts now. I like that it holds your personal best & lets you know when you pass it.

The down side of Nike Kinect - it doesn't sense right sometimes. 

I was supposed to be doing lunges - people, please - I know how to do lunges. & it wouldn't register. It kept saying, put your hands on your hips.  My freaking HANDS ARE ON MY HIPS!!!.... "Please put your hands on your hips"

Confession - I may or may not have given the Kinect a good clear view of my hands... specifically a hand motion & THEN put them back on my hips...

What hand motion did you think I was talking about?
... you'd be right... it wasn't this one...

.... to hear, "Put your hands on your hips"

So what called for 15 lunges, because it didn't see me doing them, I did like 45 on one leg.

At least with Nike Kinect, its not working my shoulders solely & painfully... & I'll have amazing legs doing 129 lunges on each leg....

Fizzle at the finish....

OK... so I'm probably going to be a debbie downer today...

I'm just so frustrated - so aggravated - want to punch something or someone.

Volunteers?

Where's my irritating co-workers when I need them?

 

I'm on the last week of T25... 10 weeks.  I've done every day (except Sundays which is stretching... & well, not really a workout).  Proud of myself getting through it all...

& here we are on the home stretch... & what happens?

I've done something to my knee. 

Well, not something.  It's not like its new. My knee ALWAYS has problems. I messed up my knees in martial arts when I was in elementary school.  Yes, I started martial arts at 7 years old - so by the time I was 11 years old, in 5th grade I had injuries from exercise.  I was on crutches & needed physical therapy for hamstring injuries ... it was quite dramatic.

So I'm used to knee pain... & I know it comes & goes.  Running hasn't helped the knees, but it doesn't really hurt it either. I mean, I hurt it doing T25 - low impact version for goodness sakes.

& I COULD press on & make it through this week, BUT I have a wedding Saturday - which means I have to stand on my feet - & my painful knee - for about 12 hours. Smiling the whole time.  Bending up & down.  Walking all day long from place to place, grabbing equipment, going to the bride & groom whenever they want me.  As of right now, I'm nervous - my knee hurts that bad. 

So my hubs & I decided I take off working out until after the wedding.

it's killing me... I feel like my body is getting fatter & lazier by the minute.

& then, I did the worse thing possible. Remember when I said I wouldn't weigh in until the end of T25. Well, I feel like this is the end anyways - because when I start working out again, I'm going to start my running program....

Got on the scale...

FREAKING.HEAVIEST.EVER.IN.MY.LIFE~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

no, I didn't measure. I'll do that tomorrow.

I was too shocked to think about measuring. 

I am up.  Higher then ever. 

Dear God... WHY?!?!?!!?

10 weeks was useless?

Where's that co worker at?  I'm heading into their office now with my dukes up....

Size 4 is normal?

I didn't watch the Miss USA / Miss America pageant. I don't even know which one it was... let me look real quick.

OK... Miss USA....

I was too busy singing along with Neil Patrick Harris & watching my boyfriend Hugh Jackman on The Tony's.

But I keep seeing posts everywhere & on the news about Miss Indiana...

represent!! Holla!!!

First of all, I claim both Kentucky & Indiana as my home.  I grew up in Kentucky, lived there until 13 years ago & then moved to Indiana... BUT I live on the southern part of Indiana & they call that area, "Kentuckiana" for us locals because we deal in both places.  I actually work in Kentucky still... so I get to claim both of them as home.

Anyways... what is all the news about?

I keep seeing tweets of people saying they're so glad to see someone who isn't a bag of bones - looks like a 'real person'.

The news even says

Miss Indiana Mekayla Diehl: 'I'm OK with 'normal''

& how it talks about how people are so glad to see a normal gal in the pageant.

But I read it & WHAT?

I found out she's 5'8 & a size 4...

hold up - a size 4....

I have a question... when did a size 4 become 'normal'?????

I am 5'8... the smallest I have ever been is a size 8... on my wedding day... thank you Lord for at least that.

But they're even making it sound like this young lady looks a little 'chubby' or has 'meat on her bones'.... & a size 4...

I just need to give up on life if a size 4 is normal...

that or just change my name to Jabba the Hut....

How this whole thing has made me feel

Why I'm breaking the scale habit... at least for the next 6 weeks

Here I am... going into week 5 in the T25

Shaun T... my new best friend. 

I still say, I have never sweat so much in my LIFE for a 25 minute workout. 

Last night, I actually went with my husband & we got in a quick mile, just so I could have my legs (& stupid low back) remember what moving in that motion felt like.  I came home & did Day 26 of my T25 & I literally was dripping sweat.

I'm not a sweat-er... not like that.  (Is it sweater? I just think of the garment to wear)

I may glow & glisten ... my skin gets dewy... but I never have actual sweat falling off of my face on the mat. 

With T25, it happens. 

I feel like such a tough chic when it does that...

But I've been feeling a difference lately.  My legs seem to be feeling more toned, my burpees are progressing stronger, I am even able to get more push ups in that are solid & strong then ever before. 

Oh believe me - there's lots of flab there I need to tone, lots of issues I need to work out - but I am feeling a little progress.

So then Monday comes.  I thought, let me step on the scale & I was prepared for a drop in the number. 

Let me remind you - I've been at the same stupid weight for about 4 months now. Not even joking.  A half marathon in there, training for that race, never more then 3 days not working out - & that was once when I was sick... its usually missing 1 day a week of working out... & yet, the same stupid BIG FAT NUMBER on the scale... refusing to move.

I just knew it was going to drop... even if it was half pound, I would have taken it.

I stepped on the scale....

The EXACT SAME FREAKING NUMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was funny because when I got on the scale, I had on my sports bra, some boy shorts & I looked in the mirror & was like, "Yep... I see progress.  Its happening"

I got off of the scale & looked back in the mirror & I saw something completely different...

I felt flabby, fat, lazy... ready to just give up...

As I went & ate a cream filled donut - NOOOO!!! I really didn't.... just seeing if anyone is paying attention... but as I went through the morning, it ended up making me angry.

That scale totally distorted my thinking, the way I was feeling. 
I started off feeling confident, stronger then before...

The scale made me feel like a failure, like nothing really matters... that I'm going to be a pile of blubber forever...

that's right when I decided... no more...

I'm putting the scale up...

at least till the end of my T25, which is in 6 weeks.

At the end, you're supposed to measure yourself & that's the numbers I'm looking forward to.  But I'll also weight then & see if it makes a difference.

I'm through letting some stupid number define me & the way I see myself...

Good bye scale.  I won't miss you...

& if in 6 weeks that number is still the same?  Someone just needs to say a prayer for that scale because my Mr. Sledgehammer will have a close & personal relationship with Mr. Scale.

Do you weigh yourself often?

 

Does the scale change your mood?

Long Run Saturday... feeling like a loser

My long run Saturday called for 7 miles.  I was worried about it because I am still dealing with this sinus junk.  It just won't go away.  And I missed last weekend's long run which was 6 miles.  So I figured I would get out & do AT LEAST 6 miles, but go for the 7 miles...

It was a warm enough day to get out off the treadmill... & look what I got in...

 



 



Got those miles in!  I did it.

 

It was nice to get out in fresh air.   I even went to a new location where hills wouldn't be an issue for my aches & pains.  It was also nice because my car was at the 2 mile mark, so I would do a loop, could stop at my car for tissues or drop off gear... it was nice to have a stop point like that instead of being out on roads & being 3.5 miles away from home & really needing to drop off my gloves or blow my nose.

 

It felt nice ... but the lingering of cold still existed.  Look at the geese... walking on ICE over the pond. 

 

 

 

They must have had a race there earlier in the day too because I saw people taking down equipment & gear & podiums.  Plus, there were chalk marks all over the path.  How did I miss that so close to my home? 

 

 

 

 

I actually felt pretty good.  Now granted, I did a 3.5 minute walk & a 1.5 minute run to get it in but I've learned if I want to go distance with my low back & knee issues, I've got to keep it slow.

 

& slow I am...

 

so slow in fact, I was depressed about it.  I figured up my half marathon time at this pace & its just embarrassing.  I mean, it's looking at 3:20?  Yep - told you - embarrassing.  Then I had a pity party...

 

Why bother?

What's the point?

You're a loser...

 

Especially when I got home & took my shower & my sciatica flared up.  That much pain afterwards?  I felt like a REAL loser...

 

so I'm debating on what I'm going to do.

 

Do I stick with it - keep PRESSING ON & do the race no matter if I have to crawl?

 

Celebrate finish LINES, not finish TIMES - right?

 

 

We'll see...

 

I'm just frustrated today.  I've really been watching my food intake, been working out & get on the scale... & gain 2.5 lbs...

 

I'm miserable - frustrated... yep, feeling like a loser

 

Today's a new day... right?

 

 

 

Can you pray for our dog?

 

I'm sitting here in part shock, part numbness... a lot of heart ache...

If you don't know us well, our dogs are our world.  They are my children...

& Sydney hurt her leg this past weekend. She was limping & it wasn't getting better

So we took Sydney to the vet last night... got her in for the late appointment - 9:00

We were all so tired & ready for bed, but we knew Sydney was still limping pretty good & didn't want to put it off.  Had to see what we could do to help our old girl... Got up & just throw on some warm sweats for this cold weather, got her in the car & headed to the vet.

They took X-rays & then we waited... & waited..

& then they called us to come back to the X-ray room.  You know its never good when they call you back to another room.

They wanted to show us the x-ray of her leg... & point out the tumor that is on it...

& we were given the diagnosis of why Sydney is limping.

She has cancer.  Osteosarcoma.  Which is an aggressive cancer.

You could have punched both Ricky & I in the gut & knocked all the air out of us & that would have been better then how we felt.

We were presented with options...

1. amputation... but they would have to check to make sure it hasn't already spread to the chest area.  But we were reminded her age & that she has such bad hips, as Aussie's are prone to do, & the arthiritis in her joints already...

2. radiation... but they don't offer it around here.  It would have to be a trip to Ohio, which is the closest, & it would be a week long treatment.  But again was reminded of her age & that it doesn't always help & chemo would be needed afterwards, causing her to be sick for awhile... not something great for a 13 yr old dog.

3. Surgery to remove the tumor.... but the only place that offers that is in some place like Colorado... seriously?!?!?!?  Why even tell us about that option?

So we went with our last option

4. Medicine... they gave us a prescription I have to go get today that is supposed to help her with any pain she is having & there is a possibility that it can slow down the cancer growth.

THIS is what we're praying for... what we ask for you to pray with us for... to just slow it down.



We're not living in an unrealistic bubble.  We know Sydney is getting old.  We know we're thankful that we've had her for 13 years so far... but we just want her to be comfortable... to give us a little bit of time.  Not just a hurt leg that we thought was a sprain & a few days or months later, she's gone...

The doctor said if its very aggressive, she could possibly be gone by 3 months...

I want to vomit.

BUT!!!!  She said she has seen dogs react well to this medicine & they last anywhere from 12 months to 18 months, which is the highest length of time she's seen.  We'd be happy if she made it to November - her 14th birthday....

but we also want her happy.. & not in pain...

We woke up at 2:30 to carry her outside to go potty & when Ricky nudged me to ask me to open the door for them, I for a second thought, "oh wow, that was just a dream"... & then watched Ricky pick her up to carry her outside & then realized it was reality...

I asked the doctor why we've had 2 dogs with cancer in just the past 6 months... she said that just means we've taken such good care of our dogs that they've made it to old age & then their bodies just tend to fail at fighting things... a compliment in there, but it doesn't ease my heart.

WHY?  I hate stupid cancer...

always have... always will...

We have to be very careful with Sydney now.  She explained that her bones are very frail.  A small jump could cause her arm to break & crumble.  Her bones are being eaten from the inside out with cancer...

No more trips down the steps... no more jumping off couches... & the hard one, keeping the puppy we have from jumping on her & trying to get her to play... Harvey won't understand that one...

Whew...

You just never know when you're going to get news that turns your world upside down on its ears...

Someday... Run Disney

Last weekend was the Run Disney Tinkerbell Half Marathon in Disney Land...

So the past few days have been all kinds of recaps floating around.

I think I have posted the same comment on all of them... "I'm so jealous"

I am truly 100% jealous ... but love reading everyone's experience.

This is how I feel about Disney Races

From the insane wake up times you have to head to the corrals - how crowded it is - the fun character pictures - the way it makes me want to go to Car Land in Disney Land & see Route 66 ... & honestly, THOSE MEDALS...

come on... that's in the top 3 reasons to ever do a Run Disney race is just for those medals.

I honestly got a tad choked up because running a Disney race is on my bucket list of things to do in life...

& I'm getting older every year... & every year, I'm falling apart more...

& today was the first day I thought, I'll probably never do it... & yeah, that's when I got choked up.

Gotta snap out of it... hang onto those dreams - right?

Thanks Cinderella for the reminder

Until then, I'll live through everyone else's awesome memories of their race...

& prepare myself for February when my Ultimate dream race happens - the Disney Princess Half Marathon...& get my jealousy in check for those recaps.

Someday my prince race will come...

Struggling...

I was sitting watching my dog yesterday...

Now we have 4 dogs... 3 of them are pretty old.  9,10 & one turning 13.  Each has aches & pains.  One was found with a broken leg & it grew back weird shaped.  The dog I was looking at is overweight.  I mean OVER-WEIGHT!  Like he's as round as he is long.  A weeble-wobble is a good example of how he moves.

Oh, how I love this chubby boy....

And I try to watch his weight... I walk him as much as I can - which isn't far.  He literally will walk a few steps & then lay down & refuse to walk anymore.  I get it.

His weight goes up & down so easily too.  He'll loose weight & look like he's slimming down, only to have him balloon right back up in 2 weeks...

just like his momma...

I was watching him though & he was looking at the water bowl.  We have one of those tall ones that keeps the bigger dogs from having to lean over.

Bruno can't reach it...

We used to have another one on the floor just for him, but I took that bowl outside for when we lock up the puppy... yes, puppies need to get confined when we're not home, or we'd have no socks, underwear, & holes in the rugs & chair legs...

Bruno just sat & looked at the water bowl...I could see that he was like "I can't make it"

He used to be able to put his front legs on the outer rim of the stand & drink that way.  If he REALLY tried, he could stretch his neck & get a drink... if the water was full...

No... he just sat & looked sad...

I went & got a new bowl to put on the floor just for him & felt so bad for him...

& then I felt like I knew exactly how he felt.

I look at all these 'fit people' & their blogs & their pictures & stories of their easy 20 miles they ran that day... & I feel like Bruno just sitting there staring, like I'll never be able to reach that...

Some days, its just a struggle to put forth the effort...

Gotta do it though... I don't want to die of thirst...